Burnout and Breadcrumbs

     I grow more and more detached each day. The shade from my mental issues reaches further each day. As the days grow longer, the darkness becomes too bright, saturating the landscape of my mind like a sunrise of nettles. The days are sometimes too much to even face; I force myself into a mode of contentment. Staring at a faceless mass in the mirror, not knowing who I am anymore. This shell of mine walks through time like a snail in a salt factory, making some days totally unbearable and believable.      Is this really our reality? Multiple times a day, I feel a blanket of anxiety, seeing shadows and figures that I’ve been told are not there—sounds and words from the darkest corners of my mind blaring over a loudspeaker.      I have been noticing my days elongating, stretching the fabric of time until something tears. Usually, my mind shreds to fibers realizing this. My perception of time begins to be panic-inducing, breaking my psyche wh...

     Every day continues to become more confusing; hallucinations are more prominent and demanding, forcing my focus inward to the darkness just to stave off another panic attack. My heart starts to pound to the rhythm of war drums—so loud others can hear it—prepping my mind and body for the coming internal quarrel. A cold frost slowly slips over my body, and shivers run down my spine, making it impossible to focus on any task at hand. My emotions whiplash and tend to hurt people caught in the way of the sonic boom.      The overwhelming voice screams that I will never be good enough, that I will never amount to anything of worth. It is a terrifying Wilhelm scream that echoes in the chambers of my mind. The burden I feel I have become is nearly worse than the hallucinations and delusions themselves. Realizing that I have been burying these issues for so long and not getting the necessary help earlier—if I had only known the damage it would cause.  ...

     The taste of bitterness in the air, so thick it settles on your skin—a film of filth and ferment that irradiates the body. Special equipment and safety precautions must be taken in order to not be infected fully. This taste in the mouth is vile, only gets more repugnant. My days will flip constantly, hours to hours. The back and forth is exhausting and not sustainable. For the first time, I feel like I am unable to maintain the unscheduled frenzy of emotions and the physical stress that accompanies.      There have been times in the past where I have been disassociated for large quantities of the calendar. Pretending to maintain a daily face and façade just to be content in being. That feeling of contentment has slipped away in the recent future. Planning to be around longer than just “today” was never something at the forefront of my thoughts. Always barely coping with the current of madness running through my mind. Struggling to think about what the...