Burnout and Breadcrumbs

Look into a mirror, what do you see? A reflection of yourself, some days less like yourself than the previous. Now imagine looking into the mirror and realizing you are the reflection on the other side—not in control, only mimicking. The feeling of panic starts to set in; anxiety floods your system and takes over, trapping my thoughts and self in a psychomanteum of delusion and paranoia. Lately, this is a feeling that I can't let go of—a pit with no bottom and no mercy, a well of false hopes and insanity. Casting a coin into this well can be a curse, though. Blessed with the gift of abstract thinking, yet chipping away at all the work that had been done. Crumbling and dilapidated, hardly standing. These thoughts are intrusive and elusive, waiting for their 30 seconds of fame—a match burning to a stump. A therapist I once had described my situation in a way that has always stuck in my mind: mental illness is like a child. You wouldn’t give them the keys to drive the car, and you a...

Waking up every day to a false reality can be very damaging, especially when it comes in different forms. Sometimes the same person as yesterday, sometimes a faceless mass. The radio starts crackling in and out with frequencies shouting madness and despair. The stain of this can last the entire day. I can only take so much before the brick and mortar of my mind begin to crumble away. Looking back, there has always been a trail of breadcrumbs that I was unwilling to notice, leading me to my current mental issues. Coming to terms with my own being and perception of reality has only deepened those cracks in an already unstable environment. The shadows stretch longer, and the fingers of time scrape the top of my brain like a farmer’s rake. Managing my day to day has become a singular goal to accomplish—sometimes hitting the mark, sometimes failing miserably. The vision I have for my future is bleak, blurry, and riddled with puzzles that are missing pieces. Pieces of myself—the corners an...

 I've just spent the entire day in the ER dealing with some medical issues. Along side this, for the past three weeks, I’ve been experiencing what feels like a third-person perspective of myself—As if I'm watching my life from over my own shoulder. Today, I had CT scans and blood tests, all of which came back negative. But despite that, I continue to have intense, unexplainable episodes multiple times a day, both physical and psychological. After I got home, I experienced something that felt like I let go of the last thing tethering me to this plane of existence. A strange sensation washed over my whole body. I asked my wife to sit next to me and scratch my back, hoping to overload my nervous system and ground myself. But I lost control—of my body, my emotions—and collapsed into the couch, my eyes rolling back. In that moment, I was overcome with a single, clear question: Do I want to stay or go? I said out loud, “It’s happening.” A deep warm feeling started to bla...

Hard-boiled, fried, scrambled. The similarities between eggs and people’s states of mental health can be very similar. When career and my own Life on the line led to many issues and difficulties. Unpacking 20 years of stress, discomfort, and trauma takes it's toll. I started working in a small restaurant when I was only 15, working shifts without a work permit to fund my future musical endeavors. Stress was a constant way of life and slightly relaxing. I had always been great under pressure, and kitchen life had really pushed me to my limits. I continued to work at my first job for 11 years, earning my way to head chef by the time I had my fill. I’ve always stored my problems on the shelf to ferment, rotting me away to the core. Slowly eating away at me, I never thought it would spread into an uncontrolled spiral. My first head chef, Barry, was a huge influence in my life. I would have followed him into any trench, kitchen or otherwise. He had a quote: “If you don’t mind the pain, ...