Welcome to the Jungle, We've Got Fun and Games

Hard-boiled, fried, scrambled. The similarities between eggs and people’s states of mental health can be very similar. When career and my own Life on the line led to many issues and difficulties. Unpacking 20 years of stress, discomfort, and trauma takes it's toll.

I started working in a small restaurant when I was only 15, working shifts without a work permit to fund my future musical endeavors. Stress was a constant way of life and slightly relaxing. I had always been great under pressure, and kitchen life had really pushed me to my limits. I continued to work at my first job for 11 years, earning my way to head chef by the time I had my fill.

I’ve always stored my problems on the shelf to ferment, rotting me away to the core. Slowly eating away at me, I never thought it would spread into an uncontrolled spiral.

My first head chef, Barry, was a huge influence in my life. I would have followed him into any trench, kitchen or otherwise. He had a quote: “If you don’t mind the pain, then there is no pain.” This stuck with me for the next two decades. It’s only as of recently that I can’t live up to that saying. Sticking to his lessons, I always pushed my pain and issues down, not knowing this would have detrimental effects in the future.

I have been recently accepted as a case study for Schizoaffective Disorder, and I have never been more terrified in my life.

I have realized I have put myself in a Bruce Banner situation (The Hulk). Drowning myself in stressful situations in the kitchen for a prolonged amount of time, I found the auditory and visual hallucinations and manic delusions would tend to sit on the sidelines. This only fed the beast, making him stronger and angrier. The hallucinations continued but became the norm.

In the past year, I have come to terms with the fact that I have just been ignoring the issue. I came to realize this when I started seeing crows and had black masses rush me while I was working. Sending me into a frenzy of fight or flight, I got pushed past my breaking point.

I’m at a point in my life where I don’t know which path I am supposed to be on or which direction to go— Only that the path is through a jungle and the animals are probably not real.